On Dinosaurs

Let’s cut to the chase. Dinosaurs rule.

You’re planning a birthday party for your two-year-old and want to have the best dinosaur-related music on hand. What to play? First off, how loud do you want to get? Real loud? Then let’s go deep into the Pleistocene. Let’s get your toddler’s blood a-pumping with percussive assault of Mastodon’s whip-snap thunderhoof drumming. Knock over some chairs. Hell, get wild and throw some Cheetos around the living room.

How about some sunbaked California rhymes that ride the oozing lava flows? Jurassic Five’s the ticket. Bob your head and look out your window to watch the megafauna to the beat of “Concrete Schoolyard.” What better way to teach your kid the lessons of life?

Is your toddler’s imaginary brontosaurus tastelessly urinating all over your Ikea furniture? Well then, it’s obviously time to walk the dinosaur. With the cheesiest moments of 1987’s “Walk the Dinosaur” by Was (Not Was), your baby brontosaurus’ bowels will surely be emptied out of doors in a jiffy. What’s that you say? “Brontosaurus” is an obsolete synonym for “apatosaurus”? Well, I’ll be. Who knew you were a paleontologist? It’s an imaginary dinosaur. My friend, your panties; please unbunch them.

Speaking of panties getting up in a bunch, T-Rex is sure to get your young niece’s panties tangled and twisted into the tightest of knots. Unless of course she’s not into the whole deep jam, glam-infused, blues rock of the late ’70s.

Get your kid a pair of sparkling skin-tight jeans and toss him a guitar. Have him play lead while you sing along to “Children of The Revolution.” Good times are sure to be had.

The cake, you ask? Well, that’s for you to figure out.

-Juan Fernandez